WELLNESS

I’m not angry anymore. Well, sometimes I am. I don’t think badly of you. Well, sometimes I do. Depends on the day. – Paramore

The one year anniversary of a global pandemic has weighed on my heart the last few days. I get caught in a swirl of reminders of empty grocery store shelves, flipping through the news channels and sitting in silence trying to process what I’m hearing, of being in company and feeling all alone, stepping out onto my balcony to see helicopters swirling up and down my neighborhood, of joining my community in uproar over the unjust attacks on others. Protests, pandemics, politics, prayers, panic, and pure exhaustion come to mind.

My life one year ago is a 180 from the life I lead today. I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful for my health and for the safety and security of my friends, family, and loved ones. I’m thankful for health insurance and for a job that pays my bills. I’m thankful for having a pet like Luna Mia who brings me immense joy and comfort. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy to experience or comprehend or that I’ve come out unscathed.

My life a year ago was one of fear and feeling trapped in a variety of situations. It was the realization that I wasn’t sure who I was anymore, I had no idea how I’d strayed so far, and I didn’t know how I’d get out.

As we all experience this global event together, loneliness, confusion, and isolation has been the common thread throughout. There’s only so many virtual meeting rooms that one can sustain before the reality of today’s world leaves us with a massive sense of loss.

The loss of sharing a meal together inside without reaching for a mask every five seconds someone walks past. The loss of office chatter and lunch dates and interactions with strangers on the subway. The loss of sharing birthdays, graduations, funerals, births, and other important life moments with the people we would want to have around us.

The loss of job security, medical insurance, of mental health benefits, the loss of life of our friends and family, the loss of in-person hugs and kisses, and the loss of overall safety. The loss of the little things like seeing a movie on a Tuesday night, going on a date with someone you don’t have to prescreen a million times for safety reasons, of freedom of choice with how and where you’d like to spend your time.

My heart breaks at every statistic of my community losing lives. My heart breaks at every Facebook post raising money for funeral costs or living expenses after a job loss. My heart breaks when kids are forced to play alone at a playground or I have to eat my meal alone inside my car. My heart breaks when I drive past my favorite small businesses shut down or I imagine how difficult it must be to pursue an academic career solely through a computer through some of the best years of college. My heart breaks at every parent having to be a parent, a teacher, an employee, and an emotional support system for others. My heart breaks for all the major life moments and all of the little life moments that are disrupted for myself and for others.

I don’t have the answers.

I’m still angry and upset about things sometimes. And I still get paralyzed by that anger.

I don’t have a list of tips or tricks on how to cope and I’m tired of seeing people post about their cute loungewear and slippers honestly. I’m sometimes more tired than I can even believe, until I realize I’m still processing things from a year ago on top of what’s currently happening everyday.

I don’t have an idea of what the repercussions will be after the dust settles.

What I do have is the understanding that sometimes the most painful processes are necessary for you to find your purpose or your peace. What I do know is that I’ve allowed myself to feel every good, bad, horrible, mundane, and glorious day and to process it all as it comes without suppressing it. What I do know is I now go out of my way to say hello, to connect with people when I can, to compliment a stranger, to support a small business, to reach out to friends and family, to be engaged in conversations, and to hug my dog super tight.

What I do know is that I appreciate a sit down dinner with a friend more than ever. What I do know is that we absolutely have to treat others with kindness, empathy, and respect, but also be selective about who we allow to enter our lives because the lack of social clutter has been eye-opening. What I do know now is that I am enough, regardless of my societal or environmental factors or relationship status.

A couple of weekends ago, I got a coffee from Starbucks in the early morning and walked around the block downtown surrounding my hotel to explore. I came to a crosswalk and there was this huge burst of sunshine that had creeped around a high-rise building and was flooding the area this stranger and I were standing in while we waited for the light to change.

I slightly turned and was just basking in the first big rays I had felt in awhile, but the man next to me thought I was staring at him. We both started talking about how the sun felt on our face and how genuinely incredible it was that it felt like it was just for us. I’m not even kidding. We then just spent a moment in the quiet intersection on a Saturday morning waiting for the crosswalk to turn on and with both of our eyes closed facing the sun. The light changed and we laughed our way down the crosswalk, joking that we were acting like we had never seen the sun before. A quick goodbye and a “have a good day” and we were off.

It made me remember that in the midst of the mess and the chaos and the unknown, there are pockets of time and experiences with others that remind me to slow down and face the sun. That not every moment is without value or meaning just because it looks different from what I’d consider the norm. And that the mundane might just be the most monumental thing of all.

Chicago is thawing and so am I. I’m deciding to shake off the winter and the dust and the frustration this year and pandemiversary has brought on. I’m turning towards the sun, towards others, and towards myself.

And if no one has told you yet, I love you and I’m proud of you for making it through this year.

Let others see the good that you see in them. – Margaret Manning

I am the girl that will stop what she’s doing and compliment your outfit as I’m walking past. If you have a unique face mask and you pop into an elevator with me, I will make sure to let you know. If you were super helpful at my hotel check-in or at the grocery store, I’m the first to say thank you. I love telling my friends that I’m proud of them. I genuinely love giving compliments.

There’s just something about seeing someone’s entire demeanor shift after you call out something positive in them. Maybe it’s the extra pep in their step, but people genuinely transform when they’re acknowledged by strangers and by loved ones in a positive way and that feeling lingers. I didn’t used to always be that way. If I liked something about someone, I kept it to myself or I felt awkward speaking up about it. But being in a pandemic and having such limited interaction with others, I’ve made it a point to always compliment someone in a genuine way when I can.

Sometimes, we want to show the people in our lives that we truly and deeply care about them. But we can’t find the words or we think of high-level compliments like, “Your hair looks great today!” or “Your outfit is super cute!” I’ve put together some of my favorite ways to give thanks or call out positive attributes about someone across different areas of our lives.

To a friend

• Spending time with you always rejuvenates me and makes me feel great.
• You have such a contagious and joyful laugh.
• I’m so proud of you for taking that big idea on.
• You are such a fun and energetic person to be around.
• Thank you for being such a great listener.

To a coworker

• You are so incredibly well-spoken.
• Your support and involvement in this team makes a big difference.
• I admire your accountability and attentiveness to our project or meetings.
• I genuinely enjoy working with you on a routine basis.
• Your knowledge and expertise on this topic is incredibly helpful.

To a stranger

• You look absolutely radiant today.
• You have such a kind smile.
• You look like you’re having an amazing day.
• You just made my day.
• Thank you so much for helping me with that.

To your family

• I admire how strong you are.
• Thank you for always being there for me and supporting me.
• I love spending time with you.
• You’re an important person in my life.
• Thank you for always making a point to reach out and say hello.

To your partner

• You inspire me everyday.
• I feel like I can always be my authentic self around you.
• I love the life we are building together and that we both get to be a part of it.
• I noticed how hard you worked on that and it turned out incredible.
• Spending time with you is always my favorite. I love it when we get to ________.

To yourself

• The world is a better place with you in it.
• You have a gift for _________.
• I love your willingness to try new things.
• You’re always learning and always growing and I really admire that about you.
• I love the way your mind works.

Final Thoughts

It might sound cheesy, but reworking ourselves to speak up on the things we admire about others is important. You never know what others are experiencing or what reservations they had about taking something on and your words could be the additional driver that keeps them going.

It’s also important to remember to accept compliments when they’re given to you and to do so graciously. “Thank you so much! That was so thoughtful of you to say.” “I really appreciate you saying that, thank you.” These are ways we can recognize when we’re being complimented and accept it as part of our own truth without needing to dismiss or downplay when others speak positively about us.

This year has been tough for all of us. Let’s work on building others and making others feel like they’re important.

It all started with a local request for recommendations on where to find peonies during the Chicago winter season between two Instagram content creators. Peonies are a gorgeous full bloom floral that are usually mostly prevalent during the spring time. After seeing her post and responding that they weren’t currently in season, we started to have a conversation regarding floral seasons, the best spots to pick up affordable bouquets, and how the floral inventory was being impacted by COVID shipping and availability. As two avid flower fanatics, we had a lot to say on the matter. What we didn’t expect was that what started as a simple inquiry around flowers blossomed into a conversation between two strangers around self-love, self-care, and self-awareness.

Flowers are usually seen as tokens for special occasions. Maybe it’s to celebrate a promotion or a graduation or a birthday or a house warming party. Maybe it’s to show a loved one you care or to surprise someone on a Sunday or to flatter someone on a first date. But flowers can also be a gesture of radical self-love and self-care. One that states you don’t need a special occasion or someone else to remind you that you are worthy of gorgeous gestures for yourself, no matter how small or big.

“You know, it’s just the little things that make your heart smile. Walking past a bouquet on the counter. On the dining table. You feel loved.” – Taiyes Balcony

As we continued to discuss what this small act of kindness to one’s self meant, I checked my phone notifications. There were two Instagram notifications. One for Taiyes messages and another for an account called “The Peony Collective” that was just now having an Instagram live. The serendipity of it all felt too symbolic to brush off.

I felt even further drawn to the conversation and reflected on my own relationship with gestures of self love.

Aren’t we deserving of gorgeous gestures? Aren’t we the luxury? Aren’t we the special occasion? Why should we await to be gifted something that is both accessible and decadent at the same time? Shouldn’t we treat ourselves the way we aspire to be treated?

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of reserving certain things for special occasions. If I were to have my Christmas tree up year around, I can’t imagine it would be the same as the giddy flutters I feel unwrapping my ornaments as Frank Sinatra plays in the background in a snowy December. But for things that are not bound seasonally, that are accessible, that are luxurious and feminine and delicate, why should we walk past the floral aisle in the grocery store without picking something up for ourselves?

The conversation continued. A moment of vulnerability was sprinkled in a comment around how self-love sets the tone for how we get treated by others. She continued to state that she had made a few mistakes, but had worked on herself and was better for it.

She had the perfect audience.

I jumped at the opportunity and immediately shared my own experience with this. I shared how I had left a relationship that had inevitably drained me entirely of my self-confidence and self-respect. Mutually, we both ached and resonated with the personal battles the other had faced under similar circumstances. An hour ago, we were strangers. An hour later, we were not.

“I think the best thing we can do is realize we have our entire lives for external companionship and partnership. This may be the last few years we have in true solitary and in true independence to do what we want when we want and how we want. We have to romanticize that and remember we are not without, we are within. ” – The Bolet Collective

The conversation stemmed over the hour. We talked about the small acts of kindness and distraction that are necessary to work through a tired and broken heart. We talked about the fact that there’s no set timeline or milestone that one reaches when working through something like this. We talked about the people in our lives that gave us the emotional support and the small things we did to be our own support. We talked about divorce rates during COVID and the delicate line between embracing someones flaws and quirks and tolerating qualities that exceed flaws because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. We shared resources, sent photos of books we had read to facilitate the process, and sent links to blog posts that mirrored our experiences.

I joined my family for dinner later and couldn’t shake the conversation. How did two strangers strike a conversation over flowers and then land on something so delicate, vulnerable, and real? As I continued to mull it over, the irony of the proximity of Valentine’s Day being three days away was not lost on me. We were being bombarded with at home date ideas, couples photoshoot styling, and dinner for two advertisements. Buying flowers for yourself with the sole intent of being the only person that saw them on your way to the kitchen was a small act of rebellion.

The flowers were the tiny pièce de résistance to a society that kept telling you love is only romantic. Love can be whatever you want it to be. It can be love with a friend, a beloved pet, a mentor, a neighbor, a stranger on the street, or love to one’s self. By this definition, you might already be living the most romantic life possible without even realizing it.

We’re in a pandemic and every day is a luxury and we need to start acting like it. As Taiyes said, “One day, we will be free and everything will be in abundance.” I know that this will be the case and I cannot wait for that day. The day when I can go to a movie theater for a screening, have a large group of friends out at dinner, have the choice to work in the office or at home or at a coffee shop, travel without worry. But until then, we will continue to treat ourselves like the ultimate luxury and give ourselves the right to pursue a life full of abundance regardless of the current circumstances.

One day, you’ll receive flowers for every special occasion. But for now, you can also create that luxury moment and remember you are the special occasion.

Next time, don’t just stop and smell the roses. Buy the peonies, get a gorgeous vase, spend a thoughtful moment arranging them, and remind yourself that you are worthy of gorgeous gestures rooted in self-love and self-care.

“I am under no obligation to make sense to you.” SZA

Let’s talk about change. Not your pocket change, but the true, uncomfortable, deeply rooted, sometimes necessary and personal type of change. Some people thrive in the space of personal reinvention and welcome the daily fluctuations this lifestyle brings. Others might be hesitant and constantly waiting for the perfect time, opportunity, resource, partnership etc. to materialize, so that they can ensure their personal change is without risk. Or they might be waiting for others to take the leap before them.

At different points in my life, I fell under the second category. I kept myself defined by how others saw me or by the things I was interested in or how I was in college or by the things I thought my age, demographic, career, etc. should be defined by. For some reason, I didn’t allow myself to redefine or reevaluate the person that I woud like to become once I was out in the ‘real world’ and had the time, freedom, and resources to do so. I thought that the person that I had been before was always going to be the person I had to be and that I was in too deep with my decisions or life choices to pick differently. Or, I thought this is what everyone else my age is doing or thinking about or acting on and I wouldn’t even question it.

However, it quite literally took a global pandemic to force me to change my life entirely. Once I realized COVID was not going to have the quick resolution we had all hoped for, I had no other choice but to make moves anyways. This state of society forced me to reevaluate so many different elements about my own life that I had not questioned or was entirely unhappy with. It pushed me in the direction of discomfort, saying no more often, putting myself out there, and redefining what I wanted my potential future life to look like.

The rest of the world was on hold. There would never be a time like this again.

I wondered to myself…

“Was I happy in my current environment? Was I doing the best I could to be taking care of my mental and physical health? Was I ignoring certain realities because I was too scared to address the consequences? Were my relationships fulfilling and healthy? Was I taking too much on at work? Was I still excited about the things that used to make my heart happy? Was I trying so hard to be everything to everyone while not taking time to check-in with myself?”

For my personal growth process, I needed to ask myself difficult questions. I needed to sit down and be honest with myself and I needed to feel my emotions before I was able to heal them. I needed to be okay with leaving entire elements of my life behind and I needed to be okay with the fact that I didn’t know what my new life would look like or how long it would take before I felt comfortable again.

As I continue this personal process of change, I’ve realized a few things that have become my reality. Change is not a self-care weekend or a face mask or a new outfit. It’s working on yourself, on your relationships, on your career, on your past, present, and future and making a game plan for what you want out of life. It’s coming to terms with what you like and don’t like about yourself and figuring out what you’re going to do about it. It’s about making the decision to be intentional about your life and what you will demand out of it.

It’s okay to take time off to work on yourself. Not just a day, or a weekend, but a few months or even a year if that’s what you need. It’s okay if this time is spent alone. It’s okay if your current energy levels cannot sustain the person that you used to be. You’re allowed to abandon who you were last year, last month, or last week.

“You have the right to change. Without notice, without permission, and without someone else’s validation.”

At the end of the day, people can only understand you from their own level of perception. You don’t need to over explain yourself when you’re undergoing a process of personal reflection and evolution. And quite frankly, I didn’t even know how to verbalize what I was feeling to myself, let alone to others. If you run into this push back during your own process of change, simply state your boundary and whatever it is you’re comfortable contributing and leave it at that. Those who respect your process, even if they don’t understand it, will recognize this and will extend their support for you whenever you’re ready to take it. It’s okay if others get angry. It’s okay if they feel entitled to the old version of you. It’s okay if this conversation with them feels uncomfortable. Do not take it personally. People can only understand you from their own level of perception. Be kind, hold your head high, and continue doing what you know is right for you.

If there is anything I have truly learned from this pandemic, it’s the fact that nothing is guaranteed. If you keep people pleasing and putting off your goals and aspirations or making excuses that limit your own potential, who is to say the opportunity will present itself again? Maybe you’re already the person you want to be. Maybe you’re still working on becoming that version of yourself. Maybe you didn’t even realize that you wanted to change and now you’re considering what that might look like for you. Wherever you’re at, please remember you have the right to be whoever and whatever the heck it is you want to be.

Being truly happy, feeling personal peace, obtaining true fulfillment. These are all very personal processes that have nothing to do with others, so don’t get caught up with how others will perceive this. You have the right to change, to evolve, to decide who and what you want to be. Do you, for you, and by your own standards.

What comes to your mind when you think of therapy? I used to think it was a bare room with a couch, a dry professional with a clipboard, and an endless loop of “and how did that make you feel?” questions with no real conclusions to be drawn within an hour. I also sometimes get defensive with people in authority, let alone when it’s someone that knows deep things about me, so it took me a long time to come around to the idea of therapy.

The reality of therapy during a COVID era looks quite similar to the photo above. It’s usually me taking a deep breath at the end of the day, finding a comfortable spot in my house to snuggle up with my Boston Terrier puppy Luna Mia, and answering the phone to a warm and cheerful voice asking me how my day has been.

Sometimes, my response is filled with joy and I am eager to share all of the happenings I had encountered since our last call. Awkward first dates, quirky Luna Mia moments, funny memes, etc. Other times, there’s about a forty five second window of forced niceties (Hey, how are you, I’m fine, you?) before I start tearing up and unload the emotional turmoil I was facing that day or that week. I’d like to think the second scenario is less common, but each week is truly a gamble.

My previous thoughts on therapy were not incredibly positive, if I’m being honest. But it’s because I didn’t truly understand it or because I expected a major life change after one or two sessions. It took me a few sessions to find someone I was comfortable with and a few after that to truly start working through my own life occurrences. However, I am a better person, friend, partner, sibling, etc because of it. I feel more fulfilled by my interactions and by who I allow into my life and I feel more confident in my own decisions because I honor my emotions and needs.

Therapy has been an additional asset in my personal toolbox to tackle life in a healthy way. It has given me permission to feel my emotions, to take care of myself, to say no, to say no thank you, and to invest in things and people that make me feel good. It has forced me to address my own self imposed timelines, limitations, and rules and to realize that there are other ways to define love, productivity, success, and comfort.

If you’re a single millennial woman in your 20’s or 30’s, you’re probably constantly being asked if you’re seeing someone or if you’re in a relationship. My response these days is yes, I am seeing someone every week for one hour and I’m learning how to build a better relationship with myself and with my future partner. Therapy has given me a safe, non-biased, and consistent environment to check-in with myself and with my past, present, and future and to have someone I can lean on about topics I don’t want to talk to my family or friends about yet.

Taking care of your mental health is a non-negotiable. But it’s not something you always have to tackle on your own. Currently, a large amount of insurance providers are also providing additional coverage for mental health services, so it’s always worth inquiring about. You can contact the phone number on the back of your insurance card and ask about their coverage for behavioral health services to get a better understanding of coverage.

Additionally, if you find yourself repeating the same types of unhealthy friendships, relationships, or overall patterns, a therapist is a great resource that can help you break down these repeated behaviors and understand where they stem from. Keep in mind, therapy is best utilized as a long term solution. One or two sessions might not allow you and your therapist to fully tease out the root of a behavior or life instance. It’s also not the responsibility of your therapist to fix your life for you. A lot of the work and benefit actually happens on your own time and you use your therapist as a check-in to say here’s what I’m doing and how I’m working through things.

At the end of the day, I felt so much uncertainty and intimidation when it came to talking about therapy. It felt like this out-of-reach concept that I wasn’t sure I would even benefit from and I couldn’t conceptualize what the first phone call would even entail. Some of my first “conversations” or awareness levels of therapy as an adult came from reading about my favorite influencers discussing their own process. Whether it was Kathleen Barnes from the blog Carrie Bradshaw Lied in her post Let’s Talk About Therapy or Hayet Rida in her Instagram stories and blog post The Plus Side of Dating, they both were vulnerable and open about how therapy impacted their relationships with themselves and with others. It almost gave me the permission to say, well if they’re doing it and it’s helping them, then maybe I can try it too.

Having spent over half a year working with someone, I can now say that I am confident it’s worth the investment in both your time and financial resources. We work with tutors to build healthy study habits, we work with a personal trainer to learn our way around the gym, and we work with coaches to become better versions of ourselves. Think of a therapist as an additional resource to support you in the process to a healthier life and state of mind.

As we’ve progressed through this period of eternal quarantine (or so it seems sometimes), it has become increasingly important to stay active for both your mental and physical health. While I usually lean on Amazon for my at home workout materials, I was shocked to see a lot of my favorite products either sold out entirely or were back ordered online for extended periods of time. In fact, I was so desperate for a yoga mat that I accidentally ordered a yoga mat sling because I was in such a rush to place my order before it sold out since there were no other options available. Rookie mistake.

This is no longer the case though, as I have found an online and in-person resource that has affordable fitness gear that is great for powering through your at home workouts. I want to share my favorite store for affordable workout gear that I have used throughout quarantine to maintain my fitness routine.

Five Below

If you happen to have a Five Below in your area, you’re in luck! This is an excellent store that harbors items of all kinds for under $5.00. Yes, seriously. Everything is $5.00. If you don’t happen to have one nearby, you’re still in luck because all shipping on their website is only $5.00, which makes it a breeze to make a bulk order online. This has been my biggest quarantine hack when building up my fitness equipment for at home workouts. Here are some of my favorites.

Yoga Mat

I have actually had a pink version of this yoga mat for the last few years and it has held up like a champ. Online, they come in a variety of colors and are a good width in terms of mat material thickness that will allow you to get a comfortable yoga session in. This is important, as it creates additional protection for your knees and hands when doing various poses. The mats also roll-up and can be stashed under your bed for easy convenience in between workouts or if you’re like me, in your new yoga mat sling!

Resistance Band

I own this item as well and it has proven to support an effective workout. I usually will Google a resistance band routine or look on Pinterest and then I will loop the band around a railing on my balcony for certain moves or attach them to my feet to do banded deadlifts. These in particular are high quality and the handles are sturdy enough to handle a fast paced set. You can even opt for different levels of resistance bands that they offer to keep your body guessing.

Hand Weights

If you’ve been looking online for weights, you’ll know that they are constantly sold out. These weights also seem to be out of stock in the online shop. I happened to pick mine up at an in-store visit pre-quarantine, however, I had to include these to put on your radar if you’re able to make an in-store pitstop. They are truly a total bargain and they could come back in stock online or in your local store. Five Below tends to have rolling inventory of these hand weights that are well built and provide that extra weight to your benchpress or tricep kicks. Mine came in eight pounds and ten pounds and I purchased a set of both!

Foam Roller

After an intense workout, it’s always important to stretch and roll your muscles for exercise safety and alleviating soreness after. Five Below offers two different types with varying textures to match your needs. Personally, I never used to use a foam roller, but my personal trainer encouraged me to take care of my muscles after a strenuous workout by rolling my body and I noticed a major difference in my recovery and levels of soreness the next day. 

Cardio Jump Rope 

If you’re able to get outside, but don’t know how to get your cardio in, try this intense, yet low equipment cardio workout. Jumping rope is a great way to get your heart rate up and this $5 jump rope is the perfect accessory to start off with. It’s also easy to stash in your gym bag or travel bag if you’ll be going out of town, but would still like the opportunity to keep your heart rate up.

Final Notes

Mixing and matching these different items based on your fitness needs is a fun and affordable way to build amp up your at home fitness environment. Remember, working out and staying healthy is not just for the aesthetics, but for your mental health and emotional clarity too. Usually, you could only purchase one yoga mat or a small set of weights for the price of what this entire article could purchase, so this is truly a steal and is my favorite spot to build up my fitness equipment on a budget. And if you’re still skeptical, just remember.

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. – Elle Woods